Two months ago tonight I died. It wasn’t a quick death, it was decades and more painfully the past year that lead up to my goodbye. A life time of trauma and living a life with undiagnosed depression was my final demise. Two months ago I made that final decision to write a 5 page letter explaining to my family why I didn’t deserve to be here. I believed that everyone around me would be better off without my uncontrollable pain and loss of love for life. Two months ago I saw nothing but darkness and no end to the struggle of just trying to survive. Two months ago I couldn’t get through the day without some sort of anxiety or panic attack and feeling like an elephant was sitting on my chest. Two months ago I would spend almost every waking hour daydreaming about my death and feeling beyond sad that I had to wake up and exist another day. Two months ago, after months of planning I took out my husband for our “last date” so I could have one more chance to show him how to date and how to flirt. Two months ago I hid from my family the real pain I was feeling and the plan I had after they fell asleep. Two months ago I couldn’t imagine and didn’t want to live another day suffering the way I have for the past year. Two months ago I felt hopeless, useless and alone and didn’t see anyway out. Two months ago I thought my being alive was causing too much pain for the ones I loved and really believed that I was making their lives harder than it they should have been. Two months ago…….. I died.
January 7th, 2016 I spent the last night; as the old me with my family. As my family fell asleep I spent the last hours of the 7th writing letters and contemplating the finals hours of my death. Two months ago I prepared the bottle of pills and prepared to start taking them just after midnight and dreamed of my final goodbye. Two months ago my life changed.
I don’t remember much after that night, almost 2 days in ICU, I remember almost nothing from the 6 days in the mental health facility (lock down for 5150 and 5250) and remember very little from that as well. Lots of tubes, blood work and health checks. It is all a blur and yet so very real. Those two months have changed me.
Two months ago the old me died. The woman I once was no longer exist and I truly believe on January 7th the old me died and on January 8th the new me became. I am no longer living in darkness. I no longer believe that I can never be happy. I no longer feel unloved and alone. I finally feel like I am living my life for the first time in years and I have a purpose. I am a survivor and really feel an almost euphoric reality of what life now has to offer. Two months ago I died; or could have and should have died but I am so thankful that today I am ALIVE! I am me, I am so grateful to have such a blessed life and I ready to start and live this new life I was given.
Two months ago the old me died and the new me was reborn. I am still learning but so thankful I have been given a second chance to keep moving on.