So what is normal? I know this question has been asked forever; but really, what is normal?
My normal for a while now has been walking around in a fog, unable to control my thoughts and emotions. My mind so clouded by despair my short term memory was almost zero. Outside of trying to succeed at work (and trying is the big word here) my routine always ended up with me either on the couch for hours or in bed sleeping or hiding from the world. Even the smallest of problems would make my life spiral into a world of high anxiety and panic attacks. Paranoia became my new norm and I was convinced the world was against me and every conversation and sound of laughter I wasn’t directly involved in was people talking badly about me. My normal was not being able to control any of my emotions and jump from laughter to anger to crying all withing an hour. Normal for me was feeling like my life was engulfed in a dark cloud, shadowing any possibility to find joy in anything I used to love. Normal was an ugly, depressing and gray world with only brief hints of sunshine that would always give way to a rainstorm of uncontrollable thoughts of sadness and daydreaming of self hurt. Normal was not being able to breath and feeling an like an elephants was sitting on my chest and a vice was squeezing my entire body, preventing me from ever feeling comfortable. Normal was trying to pretend everything was ok, smiling on the outside and wishing with every breathing moment that maybe, just maybe I’d be lucky enough to fall asleep and never wake up again. Normal was hearing about a friend of a friend who took her own life and feeling an over whelming sense of jealousy because it wasn’t me and I wasn’t strong enough to get over the fear of doing the same. Normal was hating life and hating myself.
That WAS normal……..
For the past almost 2 months I’ve learned a new normal.
Normal now is enjoying every hour, every minute and every second of life. Normal is; even during obstacles and life struggles, being able to see a light at the end of the tunnel. Normal is hearing the birds sing on a cloudy day and feeling an overwhelming since of peace knowing that if they can find a moment to enjoy the day; even on the grayest of days, that I can too. Normal is feeling sad over bad news but not allowing it to consume me and turn around and find good in the bad. Normal is being able to breath and feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. My new normal is being able to laugh at myself and find joy even in my quirky and silliest of moments. Normal is not allowing anxiety to control me and learning how to use grounding and coping skills to get through those few moments. Normal if finding reasons to be happy and appreciate all I have and not worry about what I don’t.
Normal is amazing but confusing. Its been a long time since I’ve felt “normal” and I really am happy to be me again. That said though, spending the past year being someone suffering from major depression, it takes a lot of self evaluation and adjusting to get used to and accept the new normal. I don’t miss my depression but I do have to readjust and relearn life in my new normal world and I am more that up to that challenge!
So what is normal? I don’t know if anyone will ever know what that really means, but for me it simply means finally being able live a life that I can enjoy to its fullest and love every moment of it.