Have you ever felt like you are been watched? Have you ever walked into a room and felt like everyone stopped talking and stared at you? Usually its all in your mind, but imagine if it wasn’t make believe but a part of your new life.
So a number of things happen when you have a “break down” and try to hurt yourself. Some of it good like finding the help you need to deal with your depression issues, finding a new meaning to life and enjoying every moment as if its your last…..
Then there is the “watching” side effects. You see, the break down didn’t just change your own life but those around you. I may be in an almost euphoric moment relearning the meaning of life but for my family and friends, they are getting over the shock of it all and just trying to get used to who I have now become in their fragile and traumatized minds.
When you do something so dramatic and life altering it scares people. Hell, I scared myself but I’ve started to move on and straight into healing and loving my new life. The unfortunate side is they aren’t there yet. I don’t blame anyone for being scared and uncertain but it can cause a few uncomfortable moments.
I almost feel like I’m being watched 24/7 and in reality I almost am. Even when I’m home alone I get “checked in on” and not because of bad reasons, just because people care and are scared something bad can happen again. Daily text messages of “are you ok” or “how are you doing today” and always ending with “just checking in on you” become the norm. Privacy is almost impossible unless you are going to the restroom. Because of their worry you begin to worry and even when you are running maybe 10 minutes late you ‘check in’ and let them know immediately “running late, don’t worry”. Even today decided to do some hard core deep cleaning and my oldest son started to worry and came up “mom do you need a hug?” and reached out to me out of concern. Don’t even get me started on taking medications or having a glass or two of wine, those situations a self cam is almost needed. LOL
I know over time things will return to normal and their minds will begin to calm down, but for now I have to live my life in a fishbowl and I’m not sure how to feel about that. I guess it feels good to know people care but man it makes plotting world domination really difficult (yes I think I’m hilarious)
I never intended to upset the lives of the people I love so much. They mean the world to me. I can only hope as I learn about my illness and how to live a happy and normal life, they can learn and grow with me. I really know for a fact I’m going to be fine, I just hope my family can heal and will be ok someday too.